I am grateful

A simple conversation can have a profound effect on an individual.  They say the tongue is a powerful weapon, for evil or for good; they speak truth. 

And so today I must thank you for bolstering my spirits. 

I hope you will not view me in so negative a light as you might.  I may have played the role of the devil's advocate, but I do not believe all that you may think.  I simply needed to hear what you would say to such opposition. 

Too often of late have I seen the representation of those like us as hateful and foolish.  Even though I know deep down that most of us are not that way, I've seen enough personally to disgust and anger me.  You remind me of what it is like to be surrounded with love rather than hate. 

So thank you.

Christmas

Well, today is Christmas and I'm (unfortunately) working it all day.  So far, the day has gone like this:

I wake up at 4:30 AM to get ready for work.

I try (and fail) to wake up Laura as she requested.  I did get a very sleepy kiss and "Have a nice day" out of her though : )

I get upstairs, get ready and await my ride.  At about 5:15 I start to wonder if I need to call my ride.  It was then that I remembered that he's on vacation and I need to drive myself.

I drive to work at a higher rate of speed than usual, and get there three minutes before work starts. 

I do my early stuff before settling down to make breakfast.  I'm running out of food, so I grabbed whatever was in the cabinets.  For breakfast, that consisted of instant oatmeal.  It said "Original" on the package, but I think it should have said "Flavorless." 

It was as I ate the tasteless oatmeal that I realized I'm really happy.  Even though not everything is necessarily going exactly as planned, I have no reason to complain, and I don't really want to either.  I have a family that I love with all my heart.  I have a wonderful job filled with wonderful people and interesting tasks.  I get to taste amazing food every day.  I think that I have more than any king ever did. Life is good.

So, with all that in mind, I hope you have a Christmas that is as amazing as mine, but I don't know how possible that is.  After all, my Christmas is out of this world!

Helplessness

[Friend] asks: "What do you do if you're a worry wart about people not wanting to be your friend anymore?"

I answer:  "Introduce yourself by saying 'Hi, my name is Daniel Webster.'"

That is to say, I totally identify with this question.  I stress endlessly when it comes to relationship changes: partially because I hate the feeling of helplessness when things spiral out of control despite your best efforts, but mostly because I love my friends with all of my heart. To just stop being friends is so...unbearable; like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. 

Unfortunately, most of my efforts to stop such an occurrence once it has started only succeed in exacerbating the situation.  Well, either that or I don't notice the times it worked...probably because it worked. See, if someone is purposely trying to tone back a friendship, they probably have a reason.  To just thrash against it without finding and dealing with the reason is, um, unproductive at best.  At worse, it simply accelerates the demise of the relationship, as one member clams up and the other despairs as attempts to communicate continuously fail.

But there's more!  Um...I just derailed my train of thought...hold on: it'll come to me.  Maybe I'll just move on and remember it as I'm writing other stuff.

I'm not sure if I'm really the best person to ask for advice in this manner, as I am pretty sure all my efforts were fruitless.  Still, I can suggest a few things to do that may or may not work:

1) Communication.

Keep the lines open, but casual.  Talk to them from time to time, make sure they know you still care about them;  don't stop altogether.  If the person needs space and you shut off communication, that just makes it easier for them to disappear (and then say "stopped talking to me").   Space can be translated as "not smothering," not "don't talk to me anymore."  Well, to be fair, I'm sure it varies from situation to situation, but usually asking for space means "you're making me feel smothered."  So talk, but tone it down a bit.

2) What to do when you're sitting around worrying about it.

So if you're anything like me, this comprises about 90% of your waking hours during the time of duress.  I have a tendency to examine and reexamine what I've done and what I think I need to do.  This tends to be a lot of time since sleep doesn't really come so easy when I've got such stuff on my mind (fortunately, it hasn't been a problem in a long time.)  

There's a point when you've done all the thinking you can, and at that point you are just stressing yourself out.  This is when channeling and/or distraction becomes essential; for me this means video games, anime, and many hours of piano playing.  I find that channeling my emotions into art produces some very pleasing results.  In fact, the majority of my best writing and lyrical composition only seems to happen when I'm depressed.  Hmm, maybe that explains why I've had terrible writer's block ever since I met Laura...

3) The impossible

One last thing: even though it's next to impossible to accomplish, try not to worry about it.  It only makes it worse.

Good luck!  I hope everything works out for you.

Volume 2, Chapter 7 (part 1)

She found Daniel sitting alone in a dark corner of the dark room, hunched over a game of chess.  His dark hair was falling across his face in stringy clumps, his clothes were covered in dirt: there was no telling when he had showered last.  No one sat near him, but a few stared at him across the room: disgust kept them away, curiosity kept them from leaving.  He muttered to himself constantly as he alternated colors on the chess board.  He showed no sign of recognition as she moved closer.

"You fool, think I would fall for that?" his eyes stared through the wall.  There was no one sitting across from him. 

"If I'm a fool, what does that make you?" he growled as he moved the black bishop over to knock over a pawn; it clattered across the floor and rolled over to Milly's shoe - he did not seem to notice that it had fallen.

"Daniel, what are you doing?" Milly spoke softly as she slid into the chair across from him; she gingerly placed the pawn on the table next to the other defeated pieces.

"Can't you see?  I'm playing chess with myself."  He moved the pieces faster as he spoke, looking through her as if could hear but not see her.

"You look, um, really bad."  She looked at the dark bags under his eyes and the deathly pale hue on his gaunt cheeks.  "Have you been sleeping at all?"

"Sleep? I never sleep, I sleep all the time! I'm asleep right now, can't you see?!"  He moved the pieces furiously, using both hands.

"Ok...I didn't understand that at all.  What's gotten into you?  I've never seen you act this way before."

"You've never seen?  You've never looked!  Too busy running, running, running - from your family, from your feelings, from your friends.  Busy, busy: work to forget what you don't want to think about!  No!"  His right hand swatted his left away. "I want to take that move back!  TOO BAD!"

Milly stared in horror as he argued with himself over the game, but it was his words too her that struck her.  Never once had he complained about how busy she was until now...was he even talking about her?  She hadn't even admitted to herself that she might be avoiding him, much less questioned why; but what he said struck to the core: she had been running away.  Her parents fussed about him, her friends whispered about him, and she feared to even think about the feelings that had come unbidden.  Thinking about it only confused her more, so she just dove into her work and school: no time to worry.

"How did you know that?" she choked as the words came out, then she straightened up and spoke loudly: "Daniel, you're scaring me."

He put down the chess pieces and looked right at her.  For a moment, his face softened and sanity returned to his eyes.  "If it's any consolation, I'm terrified."  His eyes glazed again and he dove back into the chess game with renewed vigor, knocking pieces away left and right.  Suddenly he stood up in his chair and cursed "How the **** could you beat me, that doesn't even make sense!" He turned to her suddenly,  "And why do you care?!  You haven't even seen me in almost a year!  You've ignored me since we went to Walmart last month."

"Danny...Daniel, no.  We just hung out last week!"  She could feel tears welling up in her eyes against her will.

Daniel looked confused and just stood there in his chair, barefoot and disheveled.  The room had gone silent, other than the occasional sob from across the table.  He looked around wide eyed - at the wrecked chess table, the people staring at him, the chair he stood in - as if seeing it for the first time.  He got down from the chair and moved toward the nearest student, who suddenly became very interested in her book.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me today's date?"

"Umm...it's the fourth, I think"

"Thank you, and what month is it?" 

"Um, March?" 

He was too startled to respond. He turned back to the table and started to pick up the fallen pieces.

"Milly, please, forget what I said.  That wasn't me talking, ok?  I'm just...really stressed.  I need some fresh air."  He turned to the door. 

"Daniel, wait..."

"No Milly,"  he spoke without turning to face her, "I need to be by myself for a bit."

He strode through the door just as Jennifer entered the cafe, brushing by her without a word.

"Well, 'Hello' to you too! What's gotten into him today?" she muttered as she moved over to the table where Milly still sat.  "Milly?  What's wrong?"

"Oh, Jen, something's terribly wrong.  He...he was acting all crazy - I'd never heard him swear before - but then he'd suddenly say something that...Jen, he knew stuff.  Stuff that he shouldn't have known."  She started to tear up again.  "At first I thought he was crazy, but now I'm not so sure...I just don't know what's going on."

"Oh Milly, don't cry.  He's just really stressed and busy."  The word busy didn't really do much for Milly's tears. "I'll go talk to him, OK?"  Jennifer gave Milly a big hug before running out the door to find him.

Milly stared at the chess board; a very complicated checkmate was still left on the board.

***

(Hmm, too many spoilers in part II...better leave that off for now ~Darklight)

(P.S. If you're confused, you're feeling normal!  It's not your fault that I write so sporadically - I haven't even started writing any of the chapters in volume one, though I have the entire thing finished in my head.  Actually, this probably the most that I have on paper and not in my head, though I have about five books worth of story written in my mind.  Mataku, I need to do something about my form of writer's block.)

Music of the Night

Of all the music in the Phantom of the Opera, this song is the one I identify with the most.  It brings me back to the days when I would play the piano in Timko deep into the night, or even before that when I would play for hours on end in the darkness of the empty sanctuary at my old church.  Though I have always considered myself to be an extrovert, I have also always secluded myself for hours to play music.  That is actually what bothers me the most right now: I have no room to isolate myself with my music.  Well, that's not entirely true: I do wander around the plant at night, singing with the hum of machinery and the hissing of gas flow.

My house is almost ready to move into, and I am now searching for a piano with the hopes of regaining my alone time.  I long to once again be able to fill the night with my emotions in the form of music.


Night time, Sharpens, Heightens each sensation,
Darkness, wakes and stirs imagination,
Silently the senses, abandon their defenses,
Helpless to resist, the notes I write,
For I compose the music of the night

Slowly, Gently, Night unfurls its splendor,
Grasp it, Sense it, Tremulous and tender,

Hearing is believing,
Music is deceiving,
Hard as lightening, soft, as candle light,
Dare you trust the music of the night

Close your eyes,
For your eyes will only tell the truth,
And the truth isn't what you want to see,
In the dark it is easy to pretend,
But the truth is what it ought to be

Softly, Deftly,
Music shall caress you,
Hear it, feel it,
Secretly possess you

Open up your mind,
Let your fantasies unwind,
In this darkness which you know you can not fight,
The darkness of the music of the night

Close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world,
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before,
Close your eyes and let music set you free,
Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication,
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation,
Let the dream begin,
Let your darker side give in,
To the power of the music that I write,
The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight,

Help me make the music of the night

Think of Me

Today, my awesome coworker brought the "Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack to listen to, knowing that I am a huge fan.  My heart melts as I listen to the words I used to love as a child, the notes which I would attempt to reach (before my voice changed).  The words themselves have much more meaning to me now that I am older and understand.

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me . . .

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the way things
might have been . . .

Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you . . .

Beside You

I was there beside you,
And yet I could not see
The pain that wracked you to the core
And brought you to your knees

You were there beside me,
And yet you did not show
You hid so well behind your mask
And never let me know.

As I sat beside you,
You smiled and you shined
How is it you could laugh so hard
With all you held inside?


While you sat beside me,
Well, what went through your mind?
Why couldn't you have talked to me?
Instead you had to hide.

Though I'm not beside you
Your pain I comprehend
Don't be afraid to talk to me
You know I'm still your friend