Less haste, more speed!

I think I'm getting back into the swing of things.  I've returned to habits of practicing, learning, even exercising.  Slowly but surely, I find myself filling each hour with productive activity, leaving less and less time to waste.  I examine and learn from my mistakes, from which I learn more than from what I did correctly.

Balance between creating and enjoying is difficult at best.  Though I'm not nearly as good at multitasking as I was just years ago, I am still able to do both at the same time (to a degree).  Sometimes that is as simple as listening to music while writing this post; other times it's a bit more difficult, like watching a movie while I try to keep my hardcore character alive in Diablo.  Back in college days I could do much more, like carry on a conversation with someone while watching a show and typing a program, but it seems as though my brain has been altered in such a way that I can no longer follow a conversation and a show at the same time.  In part, this saddens me: I now have to choose one or the other.  On the other hand, I think my focus has improved with at the same time. Is this a good thing?  I'm not so sure.  I think it has something to do with the lack of piano practice, as my right and left hand do not seem to get along as well as they used to.  This bears further study.

Regardless, I find myself content either way.  Life is really quite good, though I envy the time my wife get's to spend with our child.  She says she's always busy, but I'd rather be busy at home with Jaya than to spend half of my time at work.  No complaints about work, my job is great; it's just a bit lonely.  Sometimes that's a good thing, though.  I being alone gives me time to think, which is always good.  Well, sometimes it's frustrating though.  I composed a rather complex orchestral piece, but I have no way to write it down so it will be gone soon.  I will be getting a good program to write this stuff down soon, but that still only applies to some of the week.  I keep finding myself creative at work but not so much at home.  I guess I need to work on that, no? 

So I push myself to be a little creative every day (hence the blog).  Writing, walking, and studying.  I wonder if I can get to where I want to be with little exercises like this?  I need to be patient again, and remember that proficiency takes much more hard work and time than I would prefer.

My beloved nephews

I can't help but feel,
You two were just as real
As the baby that I held

I wanted to know you
To see all your dreams come true
But the world is so unfair

And I don't know how this could be
It just does not seem right to me
But there's one thing that I know


It's not your fault:
You did nothing wrong
It's just a painful verse
In life's unending song

Be at ease, we all love you
You did your best: that's all you can do
And wherever it is, you find yourself
Remember this one thing:
It's not your fault


The parent in me knows
The pain that I hold close
Can't be half of what you feel


I wish I could with a word
Take away the hurt
And make the pain subside

'Cause I don't know how this could be
It just does not seem right to me
But there's one thing that I know


It's not your fault:
You did nothing wrong
It's just a painful verse
In life's unending song

Be at ease, we all love you
You did your best: that's all you can do
And wherever it is, you find yourself
Remember this one thing:
It's not your fault


You are a part of this world
You always will be
This hole left in my heart
Will always be with me

Stepping stones

What could I learn
Without you to teach?
Without all the help
It's too high to reach.

And sometimes it hurt,
But I don't take it back.
Perhaps I learn best
Through the pain of the act

And to those I hurt
Through my foolishness and doubt
I'm sorry and I hope
It's been better than without

I'm where I am
Because of what you did
You're where you are
Because I was your friend

I have made mistakes
But I learned from the pain
If I take back the cause
Then I lose what I gained

To go back in time
The only things I'd change
Are the words I spoke
Through sorrow or rage

Forgive me, my friend
I was a fool it would seem
But know that you helped me
Achieve a great dream

Does the spirit grow?

I have always been fascinated by the idea of a spirit, or a soul.  Does such a thing exist in the form that is commonly accepted?  Some people claim that we are a spirit, put into a body.  As if there are a bunch of premade spirits just waiting to be sent to earth. 

However, this I cannot believe this.  Where is the previous knowledge and experience that would come from any type of previous life?  No, my personal belief is that spirits grow with the person, and are inseparably attached to the mind.  I have no fact, only evidence to back it up with.   For instance, the common idea is that life begins at conception.  I believe this, as one cell in enough to make an organism, and the new DNA means it is a separate organism from it's mother.  So, if those who believe that think that humans have spirits, they assume there is one at conception: a new human. 

What happens in the case of identical twins?  The zygote (a human life) splits apart after conception.  So, does the spirit split too?  No, I don't think so.  Each twin is different from the other, a different path.

If I were to make an exact copy of myself, what would it go on to do?  At that instant, I think we would be two very different individuals.  In fact, I believe that every day, yeah, every moment we become a new person. 

I wonder what would happen if you were able to store all the information in your brain on a computer.  Could you back up your brain at many different parts in your life?  Restore it if you become something you do not want to be?  What happens if you disassemble a person and reassemble it?  Will it be the same person?  Would that be murder?  So many interesting questions.

The whole of the path lies ahead...

Today I considered the past and the future.  I have been alive less than 25 years; aware for much less.  All the mistakes I have made in my life become nothing but stepping stones for my future, and my future is many times my past. 

Often I see people despair as their age increases, and yet I find my life becoming better the longer it goes on.  Clarity comes with age, understanding with experience.  I look back on my past to notice two things: how foolish those things I said in bouts of emotion were, and how I have learned from them and changed my actions already. 

Often it is easy to think that if I could go back in time, I would change many things that I did.  The truth that I now realize is that the mistakes I made (and learned from) made me stronger.  Though it is sometimes terribly embarrassing to consider all that I have learned the "hard" way, it is often those things that taught me the most important lessons.  Time heals all wounds: as time goes on, even those relationships that I had thought irrevocably destroyed are being renewed.  Sometimes the patience required can be measured in years and decades, but in the end it is worth it. 

Press on, burying your failures with success.  Every day is a new life, filled with opportunities to use the wisdom you have gained to avoid repeating the mistakes past.

All things must have a beginning.

The world is a strange place, beautiful and terrible.  

Life and death

Love and loss

Light and dark

Find the courage to face

The challenges that await

Welcome