Christmas

Well, today is Christmas and I'm (unfortunately) working it all day.  So far, the day has gone like this:

I wake up at 4:30 AM to get ready for work.

I try (and fail) to wake up Laura as she requested.  I did get a very sleepy kiss and "Have a nice day" out of her though : )

I get upstairs, get ready and await my ride.  At about 5:15 I start to wonder if I need to call my ride.  It was then that I remembered that he's on vacation and I need to drive myself.

I drive to work at a higher rate of speed than usual, and get there three minutes before work starts. 

I do my early stuff before settling down to make breakfast.  I'm running out of food, so I grabbed whatever was in the cabinets.  For breakfast, that consisted of instant oatmeal.  It said "Original" on the package, but I think it should have said "Flavorless." 

It was as I ate the tasteless oatmeal that I realized I'm really happy.  Even though not everything is necessarily going exactly as planned, I have no reason to complain, and I don't really want to either.  I have a family that I love with all my heart.  I have a wonderful job filled with wonderful people and interesting tasks.  I get to taste amazing food every day.  I think that I have more than any king ever did. Life is good.

So, with all that in mind, I hope you have a Christmas that is as amazing as mine, but I don't know how possible that is.  After all, my Christmas is out of this world!

Helplessness

[Friend] asks: "What do you do if you're a worry wart about people not wanting to be your friend anymore?"

I answer:  "Introduce yourself by saying 'Hi, my name is Daniel Webster.'"

That is to say, I totally identify with this question.  I stress endlessly when it comes to relationship changes: partially because I hate the feeling of helplessness when things spiral out of control despite your best efforts, but mostly because I love my friends with all of my heart. To just stop being friends is so...unbearable; like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. 

Unfortunately, most of my efforts to stop such an occurrence once it has started only succeed in exacerbating the situation.  Well, either that or I don't notice the times it worked...probably because it worked. See, if someone is purposely trying to tone back a friendship, they probably have a reason.  To just thrash against it without finding and dealing with the reason is, um, unproductive at best.  At worse, it simply accelerates the demise of the relationship, as one member clams up and the other despairs as attempts to communicate continuously fail.

But there's more!  Um...I just derailed my train of thought...hold on: it'll come to me.  Maybe I'll just move on and remember it as I'm writing other stuff.

I'm not sure if I'm really the best person to ask for advice in this manner, as I am pretty sure all my efforts were fruitless.  Still, I can suggest a few things to do that may or may not work:

1) Communication.

Keep the lines open, but casual.  Talk to them from time to time, make sure they know you still care about them;  don't stop altogether.  If the person needs space and you shut off communication, that just makes it easier for them to disappear (and then say "stopped talking to me").   Space can be translated as "not smothering," not "don't talk to me anymore."  Well, to be fair, I'm sure it varies from situation to situation, but usually asking for space means "you're making me feel smothered."  So talk, but tone it down a bit.

2) What to do when you're sitting around worrying about it.

So if you're anything like me, this comprises about 90% of your waking hours during the time of duress.  I have a tendency to examine and reexamine what I've done and what I think I need to do.  This tends to be a lot of time since sleep doesn't really come so easy when I've got such stuff on my mind (fortunately, it hasn't been a problem in a long time.)  

There's a point when you've done all the thinking you can, and at that point you are just stressing yourself out.  This is when channeling and/or distraction becomes essential; for me this means video games, anime, and many hours of piano playing.  I find that channeling my emotions into art produces some very pleasing results.  In fact, the majority of my best writing and lyrical composition only seems to happen when I'm depressed.  Hmm, maybe that explains why I've had terrible writer's block ever since I met Laura...

3) The impossible

One last thing: even though it's next to impossible to accomplish, try not to worry about it.  It only makes it worse.

Good luck!  I hope everything works out for you.

Volume 2, Chapter 7 (part 1)

She found Daniel sitting alone in a dark corner of the dark room, hunched over a game of chess.  His dark hair was falling across his face in stringy clumps, his clothes were covered in dirt: there was no telling when he had showered last.  No one sat near him, but a few stared at him across the room: disgust kept them away, curiosity kept them from leaving.  He muttered to himself constantly as he alternated colors on the chess board.  He showed no sign of recognition as she moved closer.

"You fool, think I would fall for that?" his eyes stared through the wall.  There was no one sitting across from him. 

"If I'm a fool, what does that make you?" he growled as he moved the black bishop over to knock over a pawn; it clattered across the floor and rolled over to Milly's shoe - he did not seem to notice that it had fallen.

"Daniel, what are you doing?" Milly spoke softly as she slid into the chair across from him; she gingerly placed the pawn on the table next to the other defeated pieces.

"Can't you see?  I'm playing chess with myself."  He moved the pieces faster as he spoke, looking through her as if could hear but not see her.

"You look, um, really bad."  She looked at the dark bags under his eyes and the deathly pale hue on his gaunt cheeks.  "Have you been sleeping at all?"

"Sleep? I never sleep, I sleep all the time! I'm asleep right now, can't you see?!"  He moved the pieces furiously, using both hands.

"Ok...I didn't understand that at all.  What's gotten into you?  I've never seen you act this way before."

"You've never seen?  You've never looked!  Too busy running, running, running - from your family, from your feelings, from your friends.  Busy, busy: work to forget what you don't want to think about!  No!"  His right hand swatted his left away. "I want to take that move back!  TOO BAD!"

Milly stared in horror as he argued with himself over the game, but it was his words too her that struck her.  Never once had he complained about how busy she was until now...was he even talking about her?  She hadn't even admitted to herself that she might be avoiding him, much less questioned why; but what he said struck to the core: she had been running away.  Her parents fussed about him, her friends whispered about him, and she feared to even think about the feelings that had come unbidden.  Thinking about it only confused her more, so she just dove into her work and school: no time to worry.

"How did you know that?" she choked as the words came out, then she straightened up and spoke loudly: "Daniel, you're scaring me."

He put down the chess pieces and looked right at her.  For a moment, his face softened and sanity returned to his eyes.  "If it's any consolation, I'm terrified."  His eyes glazed again and he dove back into the chess game with renewed vigor, knocking pieces away left and right.  Suddenly he stood up in his chair and cursed "How the **** could you beat me, that doesn't even make sense!" He turned to her suddenly,  "And why do you care?!  You haven't even seen me in almost a year!  You've ignored me since we went to Walmart last month."

"Danny...Daniel, no.  We just hung out last week!"  She could feel tears welling up in her eyes against her will.

Daniel looked confused and just stood there in his chair, barefoot and disheveled.  The room had gone silent, other than the occasional sob from across the table.  He looked around wide eyed - at the wrecked chess table, the people staring at him, the chair he stood in - as if seeing it for the first time.  He got down from the chair and moved toward the nearest student, who suddenly became very interested in her book.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me today's date?"

"Umm...it's the fourth, I think"

"Thank you, and what month is it?" 

"Um, March?" 

He was too startled to respond. He turned back to the table and started to pick up the fallen pieces.

"Milly, please, forget what I said.  That wasn't me talking, ok?  I'm just...really stressed.  I need some fresh air."  He turned to the door. 

"Daniel, wait..."

"No Milly,"  he spoke without turning to face her, "I need to be by myself for a bit."

He strode through the door just as Jennifer entered the cafe, brushing by her without a word.

"Well, 'Hello' to you too! What's gotten into him today?" she muttered as she moved over to the table where Milly still sat.  "Milly?  What's wrong?"

"Oh, Jen, something's terribly wrong.  He...he was acting all crazy - I'd never heard him swear before - but then he'd suddenly say something that...Jen, he knew stuff.  Stuff that he shouldn't have known."  She started to tear up again.  "At first I thought he was crazy, but now I'm not so sure...I just don't know what's going on."

"Oh Milly, don't cry.  He's just really stressed and busy."  The word busy didn't really do much for Milly's tears. "I'll go talk to him, OK?"  Jennifer gave Milly a big hug before running out the door to find him.

Milly stared at the chess board; a very complicated checkmate was still left on the board.

***

(Hmm, too many spoilers in part II...better leave that off for now ~Darklight)

(P.S. If you're confused, you're feeling normal!  It's not your fault that I write so sporadically - I haven't even started writing any of the chapters in volume one, though I have the entire thing finished in my head.  Actually, this probably the most that I have on paper and not in my head, though I have about five books worth of story written in my mind.  Mataku, I need to do something about my form of writer's block.)

Music of the Night

Of all the music in the Phantom of the Opera, this song is the one I identify with the most.  It brings me back to the days when I would play the piano in Timko deep into the night, or even before that when I would play for hours on end in the darkness of the empty sanctuary at my old church.  Though I have always considered myself to be an extrovert, I have also always secluded myself for hours to play music.  That is actually what bothers me the most right now: I have no room to isolate myself with my music.  Well, that's not entirely true: I do wander around the plant at night, singing with the hum of machinery and the hissing of gas flow.

My house is almost ready to move into, and I am now searching for a piano with the hopes of regaining my alone time.  I long to once again be able to fill the night with my emotions in the form of music.


Night time, Sharpens, Heightens each sensation,
Darkness, wakes and stirs imagination,
Silently the senses, abandon their defenses,
Helpless to resist, the notes I write,
For I compose the music of the night

Slowly, Gently, Night unfurls its splendor,
Grasp it, Sense it, Tremulous and tender,

Hearing is believing,
Music is deceiving,
Hard as lightening, soft, as candle light,
Dare you trust the music of the night

Close your eyes,
For your eyes will only tell the truth,
And the truth isn't what you want to see,
In the dark it is easy to pretend,
But the truth is what it ought to be

Softly, Deftly,
Music shall caress you,
Hear it, feel it,
Secretly possess you

Open up your mind,
Let your fantasies unwind,
In this darkness which you know you can not fight,
The darkness of the music of the night

Close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world,
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before,
Close your eyes and let music set you free,
Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication,
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation,
Let the dream begin,
Let your darker side give in,
To the power of the music that I write,
The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight,

Help me make the music of the night

Think of Me

Today, my awesome coworker brought the "Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack to listen to, knowing that I am a huge fan.  My heart melts as I listen to the words I used to love as a child, the notes which I would attempt to reach (before my voice changed).  The words themselves have much more meaning to me now that I am older and understand.

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me . . .

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the way things
might have been . . .

Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you . . .

Beside You

I was there beside you,
And yet I could not see
The pain that wracked you to the core
And brought you to your knees

You were there beside me,
And yet you did not show
You hid so well behind your mask
And never let me know.

As I sat beside you,
You smiled and you shined
How is it you could laugh so hard
With all you held inside?


While you sat beside me,
Well, what went through your mind?
Why couldn't you have talked to me?
Instead you had to hide.

Though I'm not beside you
Your pain I comprehend
Don't be afraid to talk to me
You know I'm still your friend

I learn (a little)

If I had seen the future
I know what I'd have done
I would have listened to you better
Before it was too late

If I had know the future
I would've hugged you more
I would have said "I love you"
Then I'd have let you go

If I'd have known the future
I'd not have said such words
I wouldn't have so hurt you
By being that absurd

If I had know the future
I would not have slept in
I would've been there as I said
I'd have been a better friend

If I had known the future
I'm really sad to say
I'd have still been just as stubborn
I guess I'm just that way

If I had known the future
I would not have had such pride
I'd have kissed you on the forehead
And held you as you cried

I still can't see the future,
But this much I do know
I should  listen to you better
And hug you all the more

I'll should think my words through better
And be a better friend
I should throw away my pride
And be there to the end

But as I'm sure you might have guessed
There's one thing I won't do
I don't think I even can
Stop butting heads with you.

Stretch Before Exercise

I've been writing a story, but lately I've been hitting a roadblock.  For instance, last night I wrote the climax of the story...in my mind.  That's right, not a word of it has been recorded yet.  How am I supposed to?  There is no media that covers all that I imagined.  In my mind, it's a movie...but more than that.  How can I describe what I've seen in a book, what I've heard in a manga, or what I felt in a movie?  No one can ever experience what I have just imagined, which saddens me. 

I'm not confidant that I have the skill to write what I have made, I'm years away from being able to draw well enough, and I could never be satisfied with a movie (for various reasons).  How in the world am I going to convey my feelings, my design, my very soul?  As it is, though, not even a little will show through.

The only feasible option (at this time) is book form, so I guess I'll give it my best shot.  Maybe if I warm up by writing in my blog, I will have the courage to write the story too.  Perhaps now that I have stretched, I will not be afraid to exercise.

A Small Life

Today I rescued a couple insects.  Was it foolish of me?  After all, I will probably inadvertently crush many insects as I walk around tonight.  Still, it was too sad to watch them struggle helplessly.  See, they landed on the frost that builds around extremely cold pipes.  I suspect that their legs froze to the surface almost immediately.  Slowly, the frost would overtake their bodies and they would be buried in ice.  I could see other insects in various stages of this.  The ones that where only stuck slightly would beat their wings frantically trying to escape.  Sadly, there was not enough power in an insect's wings to break free.  I have to be amazed at how light an insect must be to fly with so little power.  It took so little for me to free the two that were still alive, so little.  They must have lived a long time (for insects), as they seemed fully grown.  I wonder if the end of my life will come like that: powerless to free myself from the mess I put myself in.  I wonder if a more powerful being will save me as I did those insects.  In the end, how small is my life?

An Exercise in Dialogue

"No, Jonathan, I'm not saying it's that easy.  In fact, this will probably be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, no matter which way it goes."

Daniel leaned back in his seat and sipped on his Italian cream soda.  The inside of the coffee shop was dimly lit, and the smell of fresh cinnamon rolls wafted through the air.  Jonathan sat across the table from him sipping on some kind of coffee, an espresso if today was like any other day. 

"Yeah, that's for sure.  I don't know what to think anymore."

Jonathan leaned forward and put his head into his hands, absentmindedly twisting a brown curl in his fingers.

"It's not as though there's a book you can read about it in.  Maybe you can write it later, eh Christina?  I can see the title now: how to win the heart of the guy you dumped!"

Daniel dodged the punches Christina threw at him, barely holding on to his perch. Even though most people don't find trees to be the most comfortable, Daniel never had any trouble relaxing on the branches of just about any tree.

"It's not funny!"

Christina crouched on a nearby branch, staring daggers at her obnoxious friend. 


"Well, I know this is ridiculous to say/impossible to do, but try not to think about it too much.  You'll give yourself a headache that way.  Besides, what this needs is a bit of time; maybe some sleep as well." 


"Ha.  I don't think you have anything to tell me about sleep."


"Touche.  Never-the-less, whatever decision you have to make, wait until your head clears.  Your emotions are confused now: they are probably unreliable.  If you act based on that, you may make a huge mistake.  This something that will affect the rest of your life: you obviously, can't take rush it or take it lightly."

Jonathan thought about it a moment, stirring his coffee halfheartedly.

"Look, Daniel, I don't see my head clearing any time soon.  I just barely got over her, and now she marches back into my life as though nothing happened?  What am I supposed to do with that?"

Daniel let out a sigh as he reclined and closed his eyes, as if sleeping.

"Look, you both screwed up, but probably both on accident too.   I think you may have just gotten tangled up in bad communication and stuff: you both misunderstood each other in the worst way.  With time and effort  from both of you, this could be fixed."

Christina dropped to the ground and leaned back against the trunk of the tree, fists clenched.

"Wa ga teru, but I've already apologized..."  the tears began to flow down her cheeks.  "What am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't have the answers.  Like I said before, there's no book for this.  Well, actually, you could probably find a book; but it would be just as likely to lead you astray as it would be to help you.  What works in one case is just as likely to fail in another.  Love is just that complicated and attempts to solve it logically usually end up in absurdities.  I tried to solve it with math once, and ended up with one plus one equals purple."

"Ha ha ha!  Daniel, you're hilarious."  Jonathan drained his coffee and crushed the cup in his hand.  "I just don't think I need to have my heart broken again.  I mean, I forgave her an' all, but that doesn't mean that I should act like it didn't happen."

"Look, Jonathan, you have no idea how fortunate you are.  I mean, the girl you fell in love with broke your heart, right?  Most guys never get a second chance like you're getting.  I've been in love twice, you know?  The first time didn't work out, but the scars on my heart will never go away.  I love Laura with all of my heart, but I think it would have been easier if I had been able to give her an undamaged heart.  You have a chance to heal in a way that I did not: to erase those scars and turn them into memories that add to your story.  I've known you for, what?  My whole life?  I think I know you pretty well.  The reasons you had for choosing her were good reasons, and they still apply.  She's still a good person, and flawed just like you.  If the two of you can make it through this, you can probably make it through anything." 

Daniel landed in front of Christina and put his hands on her shoulders.

"Look, I know this isn't easy; but life just isn't easy.  When it comes to love, you can only do so much yourself.  You're going to have to trust and hope in him; you've done everything you can for now.  But cheer up, I'm rooting for you." 

"I wish I had all the answers for you, but I suppose that would be too easy.  I will be praying for you guys, that's for sure.  Just remember: if there is anything I can do, let me know.  We can talk like this any time you want."

Past, Present, and Future

Balance.  They always said things like "The key to life is balance."  How true is this, do you think?  I think it is only partially true.  I find that the balance is the key to a stress free life, but "stress free" isn't necessarily good.  After all, some of the best things in life come from extremes.

But I am getting ahead of myself.  Before that, let me talk about how I see my own life. 

We constantly exist in different phases of time.  When we study, learn, and imitate - we are living in the past.  We study the past and imitate those who know more than we: all this is to learn what other people have already discovered.  It is certainly a good thing to do, as it is faster to learn from someone else than to discover on our own.  When we create, build, and discover - we are living in the future.  That which we accomplish benefits our future as well as the future of those who come afterwards.  When we take the time to enjoy that which is around - be it a movie, a book, or just the smell of roses - we are living in the present.  Our accomplishments mean little if we do not take the time to benefit from them.

Everything we do has something to do with all three phases.  For instance, school is studying the past to prepare for the future; yet it can be enjoyed as part of the present.  All three parts are important to a successful life, and I feel most calm when I am balancing all three (inasmuch as I can).  I am not at a level where I can easily create that which is useful or that others have not already done, so I continue studying.  One day, I hope to know enough to actually discover/create something new.  For now, my creativity is limited to composing music and writing stories. 

As I said before, some of the best things in life are born from extremes.  When we are children, we spend most of our time learning.  When we are adults, we risk much that we have on the hope of a better future.  Most importantly (in my mind), falling in love (to me) was the fullest example of living in the present that is possible. 

Many of the natural genius' that brought us so far forward, such as Mozart and others like him, spent the majority of their life in the future...and died young for not paying heed to the present.  Many others focus on their school so much that they neglect all the other things in their life.  Why is it always the present that is ignored?  Well, I suppose that's not entirely true.  After all, the hippy movement was all about ignoring the past and the future. 

I've heard it said that C students do better in life than straight A students...I wonder if that is true.  If so, I doubt it is because they were unable to get an A.  Perhaps they spent time in the present, not just the past.

The Creator's Mind

Lately, I have been delving into the world of artificial intelligence.  I find myself endlessly fascinated by the attempt to replicate the processes of the human mind.  Besides the interesting ways that people go about trying to create intelligence, the basic approach always goes back to the study of the human mind.

So not surprisingly, my study thus far has been mostly of philosophy and psychology.  The more I learn about the attempt to create a mind, the more I learn about my own mind.  With my tendency to think of things in simple math terms:  I'd assume that the limit as my knowledge of AI approaches a working prototype, my understanding of my own mind should approach completion.  Could I ever understand my own mind enough to make an artificial copy?  Or, in the more likely case, should I be unable to understand my own mind: could I create a mind not entirely based on my own?  In an extremely unlikely scenario, could an artificial mind be synthesized that is better than the human mind?

Do not mistake me: I am not so arrogant as to think that I can do these things.  In all honesty, I simply hope to learn enough about my mind to make a better person of myself.  I hope to learn enough about the subject of artificial intelligence to remove the necessity for humans to perform a few difficult or dangerous tasks.

I wonder what it was like for God to create intelligence minds.  As I understand it, angels also have free will - so I wonder what it was that He made different about men.  Curious, He made us in His image?  What does that mean?  Does it have to do with the mind?  With intelligence or will?  Perhaps the ability to create?

Well, rather than leave you with these unanswered questions, here's some tidbits from my studies:


"As a general rule, it is better to design performance measures according to what one actually wants in environment, rather than according to how one thinks the agent should behave."

"Which is better - a reckless life of highs and lows, or a safe but humdrum existence?"

"[...R]ationality is not the same as perfection.  Rationality maximizes expected performance, while perfection maximizes actual performance[...]if we expect an agent to do what turns out to be the best action after the fact, it will be impossible to design an agent to fulfill this specification - unless we improve the performance of crystal balls or time machines."

~"Artificial Intelligence: A Modern Approach" by Stuart Russell and Peter Norvig

Retrospection

"Understanding the past is key to changing the future."

If I could manipulate time as I pleased, then rather than see the future from the past, I would prefer to look upon the past and present with the understanding that I will gain in the future.  It is wisdom that I crave, wisdom and understanding that helps one to make the best choices possible.

At times in my life, I have had some measure of understanding that others did not; this, however, was balanced by my total lack of understanding in other important areas.  Why is it that I can give better advice to other people than I can give to myself?  It's like I'm farsighted: the closer it gets to me, the less clear it becomes.  Yet, when time passes, I can look back and know exactly what I should have done.

This is as frustrating as leaving a test only to remember the answers to the problems you missed.  Somewhere in my head, the answer exists; never-the-less, I cannot bring it to the forefront until it is too late.  The worst part is knowing that I already have the answer, but being unable to use what I have learned when I need it most.  Is there some discipline that I must learn, perhaps a pair of glasses that can correct my vision?

On a separate topic, though perhaps not wholly unrelated, my mind seems to be far ahead of my ability.  In my writing, the story is written in my mind - why can't I get it onto the page?  I know exactly what I want to draw, but my fingers will not cooperate.  The music I've designed is beautiful, but my ineptitude at performance makes it difficult to share with the world.  I should probably learn to write the music down on paper, but I'm afraid I cannot even do that right now. 

What do I need to practice to calm my mind and apply what I know about others to my own situations?

I must think on this.

Edit:

I just went over some old emails from when I was 14, and to my abject horror I made the same mistakes then as I did during college.  Same song different verse.  I shall now go hang my head in shame for not learning the first time.

Less haste, more speed!

I think I'm getting back into the swing of things.  I've returned to habits of practicing, learning, even exercising.  Slowly but surely, I find myself filling each hour with productive activity, leaving less and less time to waste.  I examine and learn from my mistakes, from which I learn more than from what I did correctly.

Balance between creating and enjoying is difficult at best.  Though I'm not nearly as good at multitasking as I was just years ago, I am still able to do both at the same time (to a degree).  Sometimes that is as simple as listening to music while writing this post; other times it's a bit more difficult, like watching a movie while I try to keep my hardcore character alive in Diablo.  Back in college days I could do much more, like carry on a conversation with someone while watching a show and typing a program, but it seems as though my brain has been altered in such a way that I can no longer follow a conversation and a show at the same time.  In part, this saddens me: I now have to choose one or the other.  On the other hand, I think my focus has improved with at the same time. Is this a good thing?  I'm not so sure.  I think it has something to do with the lack of piano practice, as my right and left hand do not seem to get along as well as they used to.  This bears further study.

Regardless, I find myself content either way.  Life is really quite good, though I envy the time my wife get's to spend with our child.  She says she's always busy, but I'd rather be busy at home with Jaya than to spend half of my time at work.  No complaints about work, my job is great; it's just a bit lonely.  Sometimes that's a good thing, though.  I being alone gives me time to think, which is always good.  Well, sometimes it's frustrating though.  I composed a rather complex orchestral piece, but I have no way to write it down so it will be gone soon.  I will be getting a good program to write this stuff down soon, but that still only applies to some of the week.  I keep finding myself creative at work but not so much at home.  I guess I need to work on that, no? 

So I push myself to be a little creative every day (hence the blog).  Writing, walking, and studying.  I wonder if I can get to where I want to be with little exercises like this?  I need to be patient again, and remember that proficiency takes much more hard work and time than I would prefer.

My beloved nephews

I can't help but feel,
You two were just as real
As the baby that I held

I wanted to know you
To see all your dreams come true
But the world is so unfair

And I don't know how this could be
It just does not seem right to me
But there's one thing that I know


It's not your fault:
You did nothing wrong
It's just a painful verse
In life's unending song

Be at ease, we all love you
You did your best: that's all you can do
And wherever it is, you find yourself
Remember this one thing:
It's not your fault


The parent in me knows
The pain that I hold close
Can't be half of what you feel


I wish I could with a word
Take away the hurt
And make the pain subside

'Cause I don't know how this could be
It just does not seem right to me
But there's one thing that I know


It's not your fault:
You did nothing wrong
It's just a painful verse
In life's unending song

Be at ease, we all love you
You did your best: that's all you can do
And wherever it is, you find yourself
Remember this one thing:
It's not your fault


You are a part of this world
You always will be
This hole left in my heart
Will always be with me

Stepping stones

What could I learn
Without you to teach?
Without all the help
It's too high to reach.

And sometimes it hurt,
But I don't take it back.
Perhaps I learn best
Through the pain of the act

And to those I hurt
Through my foolishness and doubt
I'm sorry and I hope
It's been better than without

I'm where I am
Because of what you did
You're where you are
Because I was your friend

I have made mistakes
But I learned from the pain
If I take back the cause
Then I lose what I gained

To go back in time
The only things I'd change
Are the words I spoke
Through sorrow or rage

Forgive me, my friend
I was a fool it would seem
But know that you helped me
Achieve a great dream

Does the spirit grow?

I have always been fascinated by the idea of a spirit, or a soul.  Does such a thing exist in the form that is commonly accepted?  Some people claim that we are a spirit, put into a body.  As if there are a bunch of premade spirits just waiting to be sent to earth. 

However, this I cannot believe this.  Where is the previous knowledge and experience that would come from any type of previous life?  No, my personal belief is that spirits grow with the person, and are inseparably attached to the mind.  I have no fact, only evidence to back it up with.   For instance, the common idea is that life begins at conception.  I believe this, as one cell in enough to make an organism, and the new DNA means it is a separate organism from it's mother.  So, if those who believe that think that humans have spirits, they assume there is one at conception: a new human. 

What happens in the case of identical twins?  The zygote (a human life) splits apart after conception.  So, does the spirit split too?  No, I don't think so.  Each twin is different from the other, a different path.

If I were to make an exact copy of myself, what would it go on to do?  At that instant, I think we would be two very different individuals.  In fact, I believe that every day, yeah, every moment we become a new person. 

I wonder what would happen if you were able to store all the information in your brain on a computer.  Could you back up your brain at many different parts in your life?  Restore it if you become something you do not want to be?  What happens if you disassemble a person and reassemble it?  Will it be the same person?  Would that be murder?  So many interesting questions.

The whole of the path lies ahead...

Today I considered the past and the future.  I have been alive less than 25 years; aware for much less.  All the mistakes I have made in my life become nothing but stepping stones for my future, and my future is many times my past. 

Often I see people despair as their age increases, and yet I find my life becoming better the longer it goes on.  Clarity comes with age, understanding with experience.  I look back on my past to notice two things: how foolish those things I said in bouts of emotion were, and how I have learned from them and changed my actions already. 

Often it is easy to think that if I could go back in time, I would change many things that I did.  The truth that I now realize is that the mistakes I made (and learned from) made me stronger.  Though it is sometimes terribly embarrassing to consider all that I have learned the "hard" way, it is often those things that taught me the most important lessons.  Time heals all wounds: as time goes on, even those relationships that I had thought irrevocably destroyed are being renewed.  Sometimes the patience required can be measured in years and decades, but in the end it is worth it. 

Press on, burying your failures with success.  Every day is a new life, filled with opportunities to use the wisdom you have gained to avoid repeating the mistakes past.

All things must have a beginning.

The world is a strange place, beautiful and terrible.  

Life and death

Love and loss

Light and dark

Find the courage to face

The challenges that await

Welcome